Hi! Modern Manners Guy here! You're not from around these parts, are you? I noticed that you talk a little funny, and, well, I thought I would bring it up to make us all uncomfortable.

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You Sound Funny

The other day my friend Tatiana sent me an email that I thought might enjoy a little attention. She writes:

Hello Modern Manners Guy, I was born and raised in Russia, but have been living and working in the U.S. for 10 years. I am continuously asked the question “Where are you from?”  When I simply reply “from Russia.” I often hear “Welcome to United Sates!” or worse a discussion about vodka or other stereotypes.

How could I politely avoid answering this question or, in general, any other questions that I do not want to answer. I’m proud of myself but sometimes I just don't want to be involved in this type of dialog. I have lived in New York City for eight years. Would it be okay next time to say that I’m from New York?

I believe many non-Americans who are listening to this podcast will appreciate your advice, and many local folks will stop asking this question.

Defending the Offender

Thank you for the email, Tatiana, but first, let me quickly defend the offender.  A few times a week I run into folks who speak differently from me.  Sometimes that means they are from Minnesota and sometimes it means they are from Morocco, but every time I am very interested in where they are from since I like to travel and really enjoy the different accents of the world.  Sometimes I even know how to respond with a few words in their language. Or I might think I can place the accent and want to see if I'm right. So my bias is to ask you to indulge the questioner unless he or she becomes a nuisance.

With that out of the way, the last thing any of us should do is become a nuisance. I think it's good for everyone to hear your frustration with the stereotypical questions so we don't all make the same mistake. Now, if the person asking you these questions has not heard this podcast and trudges straight through to the goofy stuff, there are some things you might try to deflect some of the annoying conversation.

Miss Direction

Part of living a more polite life means that you respond cordially to the questions, but that doesn't mean you have to sit there and take it. Steering the conversation away from yourself and the "vodka" discussion can be a great way to lower your blood pressure. For example, you could flatly ignore the comments and ask where the other person is from. It may be an American thing, but many people can go on and on about themselves. So if you look at them expectantly, you might quickly turn the conversation to them. That does, however, depend on either your interest level in the person or how well you pretend to be interested. If you're only interest is a polite response, just don't ask follow-up questions.

Another thing to try is to say that you are from Russia but have been living in the US for a few years. They might only be interested in fulfilling their curiosity, and this will appease them. Should they actually be interested in a real conversation, this will help them get to the really good questions so you can get to know each other.

If you are just interested in responding and moving on, I recommend telling them the confusing bit of the truth: You are from New York!  Or, better yet, if you're in a sprightly mood, tell them you're from Alabama!  That will really throw them off.

Stranger Danger

I DO believe many folks are generally harmless and interested in doing more than pointing out cultural stereotypes, but I can't say that for everyone. And, occasionally, you might get the notion that someone is trying to take advantage of you. It's important in each situation to evaluate whether you are being made to feel uncomfortable or in any danger. And this goes for just about any question you are asked. Some folks are just nosy, but if you have any sense of being threatened, excuse yourself and get somewhere safe. It's good to remember that you are only expected to stretch yourself so far with politeness. When the other person becomes overtly impolite, it is no longer your job to be polite to them -- unless it IS your job. At that point, you'll have to talk to your manager.

Hopefully, I'm being a little over the top there, and these questions are mostly coming from harmless friends and co-workers who are more curious than they are courteous. You might remind yourself that even polite people like you have other things to do or think about from time to time. Offering a small answer and applying your attention to something else will, many times, get the point across. If this does not discourage them, just tell the person that you have a lot on your mind and couldn't possibly work out a meaningful conversation at the moment.

Thanks again for the email, Tatiana!  I would love a description of the person's face when you tell them you are from Alabama!

Administration

And thank YOU for listening to The Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. Transcripts of this show can be found at manners.quickanddirtytips.com. And don't forget to visit GoToMeeting.com/podcasts for your free 30-day trial of their award-winning service.

Any comments or questions can be sent to manners@quickanddirtytips.com or feel free to leave a voicemail at 206-666-4MRM.

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