There is a business term that has struck me as an easy way to define a slew of life's situations. This term is "bottleneck," and I am determined to commandeer this for the world of manners. From exiting a jet way or the opera to congregating around the mythical water cooler, bottlenecks can frustrate and drive inherently good people to a precipice of rage where those little veins in their foreheads start to look like a relief map.
There are ways to combat this phenomenon and lengthen lives by reducing the stress.
Soothe the Beast
Listener Maureen wrote in with her concern of how to deal with everyday bottlenecks, and I have three approaches that are sure to promote a more polite life.
When the mom, dad, and all three kids step off the elevator in front of you and suddenly appear to have never been to the second floor of anything before, the knee-jerk reaction is to wish destruction on them and their progeny. So the very first thing we need to think about is our own reaction. Getting frustrated might induce a loud, snippy response that could potentially ruin an already confusing situation.
Yelling at the group, no matter how deserving you think they are, might be a cathartic release for you, but any time you blurt out in frustration, you make it easier for yourself to do it again the next time. This does not make you a better person. It also does nothing to encourage different behavior from the guilty party as they will no longer be thinking about moving out of the way since the only thing they can think about is how rude you have just been to them. And no one is going to take manners advice from someone they assume to be rude.
Keep your cool. Try to find the humor in the situation and approach it like you are a missionary to their tiny, backward country with a message of hope -- a message that will move them from the darkness in front of the elevator to the light of the kiosk with a map of the mall.
Where Seldom is Heard a Discouraging Word
The object would be to encourage them to realize their mistake so they will react differently when situation presents itself again.
Saying a quick "excuse me," or "I'm coming by on the left," is sufficient. The typical human will at least try to jump out of the way even if they get it wrong. It's also appropriate in most situations to place a hand on the person's shoulder to illustrate your proximity and foreshadow your movements. You will usually be offered an apology, unless you are rude, and then it's your own fault for not getting that sheepish expression of regret.
Minding your words here will not only keep your own blood pressure down, but will also keep your actions from sticking in the offender's craw.
Additionally, we never know who might be watching. Someone behind YOU could see the way you react to the situation and possibly even alter their behavior based on your behavior. You're actions can quickly escalate or calm the situation.
Get Out of the Way
The final consideration here is that you, yourself, pay attention and move out of the way so as not to create your own bottleneck. Each of us has experienced a momentary wrinkle in the space-time continuum where we suddenly forget that others exist. It's not uncommon to exit an airplane only to realize the gate you are walking into doesn’t seem familiar at all. It's easy to get caught up in a conversation and have a bottleneck in your own brain where the words you want to say stack up in front of the mental commands to move yourself out of the way.
It's important to go into these situations prepared. Just practice reminding yourself that when the elevator doors open, you should stand to the side so others can get off. And when you reach the exit of an escalator, start walking. If you suddenly realize the tunnel you have just emerged from at the latest rock group concert doesn't resemble the one you went into, always step to the side before you try to figure out how they swapped the place around while you were getting a soda.
Your cordial reaction to a bottleneck could swiftly and politely clear it up and make way for others. Conversely, being self-aware and making an effort to not cause your own bottleneck is polite. Yes, it's a measure of politeness that may go unnoticed, but that is quite the point.
Administration
Thanks for listening to The Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. Transcripts of this show can be found at manners.quickanddirtytips.com.
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