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Breastfeeding Manners
Episode 90: Monday, August 03, 2009

Modern Manners Guy here on the cusp of World Breastfeeding Week. Now, before you go and turn this podcast off and quickly switch to another podcast with a less awkward topic just give me a minute of your time as I look at-- er-- discuss the manners of breastfeeding and the manners for those who might find themselves in the vicinity of someone doing said activity. Buuut first, a break to collect ourselves and to hear from our wonderful sponsor.

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As I mentioned, it’s World Breastfeeding Week and so not so coincidentally, it’s breastfeeding week here at Quick and Dirty Tips, too. Our newest podcaster, the House Call Doctor is going to discuss the health benefits of breastfeeding, Nutrition Diva is going to cover proper nutrition for breastfeeding moms, Legal Lad tells us whether or not breastfeeding in public is legal, and the Mighty Mommy will offer tips for all of the breastfeeding moms out there. And your Modern Manners Guy is going to discuss the manners of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is as old as time. It's something that happens every day in every country around the world. Yet it is one of the most polarizing activities-- at least in North America. I would like to take the next few minutes to look at all sides of the manners associated with breastfeeding in public.

Breastfeeding Etiquette

Manners are important-- but manners aren't how others treat you-- they are how you treat others. And there are many people who think that manners are wonderful until it comes time to nurse their baby. Now this might be controversial but Modern Manners Guy thinks that exposing yourself in front of others is not appropriate. That should not happen. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t breastfeed in public, but there are ways to do that without exposing yourself for all to see. . Also, picking the most crowded spot in 5 miles to nurse your child is just selfish.

But let me go ahead and say that you should always put your baby's health and welfare ahead of someone else's concern for manners. If you know your baby is really hungry and needs to eat; yes, be discreet but your baby comes first. That said, it's not always an emergency. The fact that you might lose your place in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles is not everyone else's problem. It might just be poor planning on your part.

Okay. With that out of the way, let's say you want to be mannerly about when and where to nurse your child. What does that mean? First of all, it means that you are contributing the smooth operation of our society. Thank you.

Where Should You Breastfeed?

It does not mean that you should have to head out back behind the dumpster or relegate yourself to the restroom. The argument for not nursing a baby in the restroom is usually, "You don't eat in there, and your little one shouldn't have to either." But be sure to take it all the way to heart. You don't eat your meals in the elevator or in the middle of a crowded theater either. There are usually places not too far from the hustle and bustle that can be better choices than smack in the middle of a crowded room.

Be Discreet When Breastfeeding

I mentioned being discreet earlier. There are lots of other things we do in life that are best when we use discretion, but it's not always easy to do something so personal in a discreet way. So practice discreet nursing at home in front of your partner or a mirror. Your partner will usually be made uncomfortable by any part of you being seen by someone else so they can be a good barometer of your success at being discreet. Plus, when in public this will help you have confidence that you are not causing anyone any discomfort. For great tips on how to discreetly breastfeed in public, check out The Mighty Mommy’s breastfeeding episode.

The Right to Breast Feed

Those who are made uncomfortable by women nursing their children in public seem to be certain that it is a violation of some law. Legal Lad reports in his podcast on this topic that most states guarantee a mother’s right to breastfeed in any place where the mother is authorized to be. There. Question answered. Nursing mothers should feel a little vindicated now.

However, that is not a license to just disregard others when the time comes to feed your baby. You, the mother, should always remember the word public usually means that others will be around. If you are concerned about mannerly behavior for other things in life, it would be silly to disregard manners in this situation as well.

I have the right to remove my shoes in most places, but it doesn't mean that I should do so any time my feet get warm.

What If Someone Confronts You for Breastfeeding in Public?

However, should you someone approach you and chastise you and what you are doing, keep your cool. I'm not trying to raise feathers here, but many women feel that they should be able to nurse wherever and whenever they want. That will set you up for someone to make a comment. If you are fishing for that confrontation, shame on you. If you are trying to be discreet but are still chastised, do not retort. The person who makes that kind of comment is either looking for a tussle or just doesn't have any mental filters. The first thing that will escalate the situation into a full blown battle is for you to make a snippy comment.

Be polite. If you have made a concerted effort to be discreet, you might say something like, "I've chosen an appropriate place for this. If you don't care for it, you may go somewhere else." You do not want to begin an argument that will cause you or your little one to become stressed or potentially result in physical harm to either of you. Your right to nurse in public is not worth being accosted.

Manners for The Rest Us

As for the rest of us, chances are that at least one of us will encounter a nursing mother at some point. You should understand that you are probably the only person in the situation who is uncomfortable. Once a mom decides to nurse her baby in public, all bets are off. Hopefully, she has listened to this podcast and understands that you might be uncomfortable, but after she has taken her own precautions it is time for you to take your own precautions.

When you encounter someone nursing their child, do not stare. The mysteries of life may fascinate you and that mom may not care one bit, but it's still not good manners.

Don't call attention to the situation. If you don't agree with someone breastfeeding in public, it's not your job to make a big deal about it. Carry on with your own business and leave the mom alone. And unless this person is an extra close personal friend or family member, do not try to conform their behavior to your own ideas. It is not really any of your business. Again, if you don't like it, move away until the transaction has been completed.

Don’t Make Other Mothers Feel Guilty

Finally, one last point about breastfeeding. Manners are about you helping others not you demanding that others deal with your behavior. That includes you trying to force your behavior on other mothers. Some people choose not to nurse their babies. Some women just have too much difficulty and decide that using a bottle would be best for both parties. Do not try to convince these women that they are being mean to their babies or that they are missing out on something amazing. When that mother is around you, she has probably already made her decision and doesn't need anyone to cause her to second guess herself.

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There are transcripts of this and all my other episodes at manners.quickanddirtytips.com where you can also find a link to my FaceBook group. Come on over, become a fan and join in the discussions. And don't forget to tell a friend about your Modern Manners Guy.

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Comments (11) for Breastfeeding Manners | Subscribe to Comment

Daniel Says:
8/27/2009 3:36:32 PM

I have to say, as the husband of a breastfeeding woman, that this advice on manners is very problematic. The podcast's disproportioned attention to others' feelings of "discomfort" while a woman breastfeeds betrays, it seems, the author's own discomfort with the practice. I agree with jd and angela - the author seems to have a slender understanding of the practicalities behind breastfeeding and, indeed, childminding in general. The author's concern for how a husband might feel about his partner exposing herself is also way off track - if a husband has serious reservations about exposure when his partner is feeding their child, then he needs to reassess his priorities and get over it (good manners begin when we become conscious of the unnecessary assumptions and prejudices that can guide our gut-emotional responses to things). The key problem that North Americans needs to address is society's ridiculous fetishization of the female form, a process no doubt exacerbated by the push made by large corporate entities for formula-feeding in recent times - this podcast only added to an overplayed cultural hysteria about breasts.

Margarita Says:
8/8/2009 3:46:24 PM

Thank-you so much for doing the podcast I requested! I want to thank-you for discussing public nursing as it receives so much unnecessary public taboo. I was, however, disappointed with your tone. I feel it focused too much on discretion and was out of touch with the realities of nursing a baby who needs to be fed or soothed and can not wait for the ideal situation. I way things this waya way- if society sees it appropriate to feed a baby with a bottle in a particular social situation than I should not be discriminated against because I choose to nurse as nature intended.

Heather Says:
8/7/2009 3:39:52 AM

Hi Trent, I love you and your podcast, so please don't take offense. :) I had to laugh because you seemed almost apologetic that you were talking about breastfeeding! I actually think that confident moms who feel good about their choices draw less attention than women who are concerned that the momentary flash of skin might disturb someone. I initially used a nursing cover, but I realized that more people actually noticed me and looked uncomfortable when I did that. When I learned to be confident and nurse my daughter whenever and however worked for us - almost no one noticed! Three times, I nursed my daughter sitting next to men on airplanes, and not one of them even noticed I was nursing! So, I had to somewhat disagree with your characterization of women who nurse without fear of offending others. In fact, these women were the ones who made me realize how easy nursing in public could be! I have learned so much from you - thanks for what you do!!

Erin Says:
8/6/2009 8:48:34 PM

I agree with breastfeeding discreetly, but I do not think this means one must use a cover (the shirt and the baby cover everything anyway, while wearing a special nursing cover screams, "Hey, I'm breastfeeding my baby under this thing!"), nor does it mean a mother must leave a crowded area. What about mothers who have older children at a park or indoor play area or a swimming pool or some other such place - they must stay close enough to supervise their older children, and they must feed their hungry baby. it is not always possible for a mother to go to a more secluded area. A bottle-feeding mother would not be expected to find an out-of-the-way location, would she? And if a mother is enjoying a social setting with friends, saying that she must go to a less-crowded area to breastfeed isolates her and may actually be part of the reason that some women go to bottlefeeding instead... sacrificing their child's health over some perceived social etiquette - "I can't hang around in a crowded place with friends or to supervise my kids while breastfeeding, so there's another reason why I should just bottlefeed." We want to encourage mothers to continue breastfeeding rather than presenting obstacles that may contribute to them stopping. I don't think many people notice when I breastfeed my child in public. However, if more women did breastfeed in public and people started noticing, then it would seem more normal to people in our culture. It is seen as "shocking" (even when nothing is visible) only because people are not used to seeing it happen. Most people aren't shocked when they walk past Victoria's Secret and see much more breast than they would see from the average nursing mom. That is because they are used to seeing it. They are used to breasts being sexual in our culture, but they are not used to seeing breasts in their primary function - a way to nourish babies. One more thought - a baby cries when hungry or upset and then stops when it is being nursed. Your feet don't cry and scream when they are too warm until you remove your shoes. ;)

Teri Says:
8/6/2009 4:37:14 PM

As a mom that breastfed 2 daughters before breastfeeding was "cool", what it boils down to is manners. Feed your baby when you need to, but as I tell my daughters today (about their body parts), just because you have it, doesn't mean everyone else should see it. Cop a squat in a crowded mall to feed your baby if he's hungry...just don't go to the mall without your woobie to keep things discreet. Be polite to others and all anyone else will ever see is a mama nourishing her baby. You'll know you're doing it right when strangers ask to see the baby and you have to TELL them that she's having lunch!

Angela Says:
8/5/2009 11:39:47 PM

I am all for good manners and dressing modestly, but breastfeeding in public is natural, not rude. The problem is with the American culture, not the mothers who just want to comfort and nourish their babies. Implying that it might be a result of "poor planning" (if a mother who is waiting at the DMV needs to breastfeed her baby) betrays your ignorance of how needy and unpredictable an infant can be. What's wrong with taking your number at the DMV and sitting down in a chair with your baby to nurse? Most people wouldn't pay the slightest attention.

Trent Armstrong Says:
8/5/2009 8:48:38 PM

Julie, thanks for the comment! It's really hard to come up with a sufficient analogy for breast feeding so I went with something silly-- not in an effort to offend but keep the subject light.

Julie Says:
8/5/2009 10:21:56 AM

As a breastfeeding mom, I agreed with most of your podcast, but not all. Comparing breastfeeding to taking off your shoes is silly. I agree with being discreet. I breastfeed wherever, whenever. However, I always use a cover and try to find the most suitable place wherever I am.

Nora Says:
8/4/2009 10:12:27 AM

Trent- Thanks for taking this on along with the other podcasts. When I was nursing my son, I tried to be as subtle as possible. I think there are women who think they can just whip it out wherever they feel like it. Thank you for advising against that, also. I agree with Traci- great podcast!

jd Says:
8/3/2009 5:20:51 PM

I've never seen a woman breastfeed inappropriately. It's a shame that this episode focused so heavily on making it sound as though nursing women are running around topless in crowded cinemas. They are not, and the manners problem is squarely on people who do want women to only feed their babies with bottles or in smelly bathroom stalls. This episode got it very wrong.

Traci Says:
8/3/2009 3:36:11 PM

As a natural childbirth educator, doula and mommy of four breastfed children(not at the same time), I thank you Trent for this fantastic ModernManners Podcast on Breastfeeding Manners. I wouldn't add or take away anything!!