Frequently, I receive emails from listeners asking me to address one topic or another, often formatted thusly, Dear Modern Manners Guy, I have a [insert noun] who is [insert objectionable adjective/adverb].... Something like, Dear Modern Manners Guy, my friend is sooooo stupid... or, Dear Modern Manners Guy, my sister is powerful dirty... or, Dear Modern Manners Guy, my parent's are reeeeally mean... or, Dear Modern Manners Guy, this Modern Manners Guy thinks he's such a bigshot... Of course, since it pleases the court, I'm exaggerating (ever so slightly) but I think it's high time that we address the manners, my friends, of complaining.
Now, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there is definitely a time and a place for complaining. Sometimes, things are just wrong, they need to be changed for the better, and the only way to get anyone to pay attention is to dig out your most shrill voice and shriek until someone begs you to stop. On the other hand, occasionally, things just are the way they are and there's nothing we can do about it. And even worse, sometimes, just sometimes, we have no right to suggest a change-- often when that change just relates to our own pet peeves.
All of that aside, over the next few weeks I want to walk through the manners of complaining for a variety of scenarios that are near and dear to my heart and that are situations in which I believe complaining is justified, but often ineffective and construed as rude.
The 12oz Filet Situation
Say you're out on the town having a nice meal at Maximillian's Steak House and you order a 12oz. filet, baked potato with all the fixings, and a salad.
Your salad comes out--fresh lettuce, crisp carrots and ripe heirloom tomatoes-- a beautiful salad to be sure, but all you can think about is that filet. 12oz of buttery beef marbled perfectly because you requested it cut from the laziest cow they could find, and cooked to marshmallowy medium because you and I both know that that is how the west was won. Suddenly, your steak arrives and you realize that you've barely touched your salad, but salad be darned, because You. Want. Steak.
They rest the plate in front of you, and--smiling--you pick up your knife and fork and begin to cut into the slightly tougher... than.... expected steak. It seems pretty done: like almost well done. Disappointed, but open-minded, you place the meat between your teeth and you chew... and chew, and chew some more before finally...
SERVER: "And how is everything this evening?"
ME: "You know what? This just isn't going to work..."
So, you've received your steak, (or overcooked, black bean, veggie burger) and have subsequently been disappointed by it. What do you do?
Cheese and Whine
Be honest. If the food isn't up to your expectations, tell your waiter-- after all you're expected to pay for it. Tell your waiter exactly what is wrong with the food: it's overcooked, it's too salty, it's cold, or maybe it’s even the wrong dish. Do not be afraid to send it back if it's plainly incorrect, but do not whine!
Be polite. The server will not take umbrage with your complaint as long as you remain polite. Waiters and waitresses generally enjoy customers that are easygoing even if they do require a little more work. Adopting a sour attitude and barking at the waiter will get you on their bad side. Being rude, demanding, and hard to please are easy ways to get lousy service-- and to be clear--you'd deserve it. You should not whine! Try something to the tune of: “Excuse me. I ordered my turkey sandwich with mustard instead of mayo. Would you please ask the cook for a sandwich with mustard? Thank you.”
Be specific. When you complain, have in mind what an appropriate reparation for the situation may be (new food, refund, etc.). For instance, if your food is overcooked, politely tell the server your issue and what you think should happen-- within reason. Don't be wishy-washy expecting your server to offer his or her own idea of what might make the situation livable. That is confusing to the server and the options will probably not appease you anyway. He or she will wonder for the remainder of service whether you are happy or not, which is stressful.
Oh, yeah: do not whine! It's annoying and no one can stand a whiner, let alone stand to help them out.
If You Just Work it Past the Gag Reflex...
Now, if you are okay eating food that is not prepared exactly the way that you had expected (as we all should be sometimes; nothing is always perfect), you should still let the waiter know that it's not exactly correct just so they can tell the kitchen. It is important for the restaurant to get feedback on the food leaving the kitchen since that's what keeps them in business. Relaying your minor complaint can also make you feel better that your voice was heard. And when done politely, this type of feedback may endear you to the manager of the restaurant. Don't be afraid to mention when the food is really superb either-- everyone loves a compliment. Also, when your server or the manager know that you are having a very good experience, they will go out of their way to keep you happy-- because tomorrow, you're going to talk to someone about where you had dinner last night and they want it to be a great story.
Often we view complaining as an inherently rude exercise, but in the coming weeks I will cover other scenarios where complaining may be the only reasonable option. Hopefully, I will illuminate ways to be assertive without making you into someone that no one wants to be around. Thanks for listening, folks, and keep sending your complaints my way.
Administrative
This episode of The Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life was guest written by Colin Smith of The MannersCast. If you would like to find out more about the guys of The MannersCast, visit www.mannerscast.com.
Transcripts of this podcast can be found at manners.quickanddirtytips.com. Please direct any comments or questions to manners@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 206-666-4MRM.
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