The Guy is a Force of Nature

Our friend Emily writes:

Hi, Modern Manners Guy.

There is this one guy amongst our friends who always tries to run the show ... especially at other people's parties when he's not the host.

He'll either break out his iPod speaker to play music AGAINST the host's, try to run the conversation by cracking lukewarm jokes, hog the grill for all meals during camping when it's a social event to be enjoyed by all, or self-compliment his meager contributions [such as] bringing a bag of chips to a barbecue [and saying] "Boy, those are great chips, huh?"

All [of] this, he does in the most polite and almost conniving way.

We're thinking of not including him in our social events anymore but, in times where we do, how can we rebuttal or eliminate his actions or hunger for compliments?

Thank you!

What About Bob?

Alas, the burden-friend. This is a classic friend type, and I think each of us has at least one. These people are frequently inconsiderate of those around them, must be the center of attention, think their ideas are better than everyone else's, and it would take an act of Congress to find a single person who actually wants to be around them. But still, despite all of this, some how, some way, your friend has endeared himself to you, or those around you, in such a way that you are simply unable to get rid of him.

As I recommended in the last "friend" related question, let us take a moment and see if we can get to the crux of the matter through a little self reflection. Often, we forget the reasons we enjoy an individual's company in the first place. Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment and remember why you ever decided to spend time with this person. Another aspect of this that we MUST consider is that friendship is not a one way street. Put yourself in Bob's shoes for a moment and imagine if he were to write a letter to me about you. What might he say? It's a good balance to remember that each of us can be alarmingly annoying to someone.

Look, Modern Admonishment Man, Help or Get Lost!

Okay, okay, before you go and label me, "Modern Admonishment Man" or "Super Downer Guy", or something perhaps more, um... colorful, I wholly acknowledge that even if the questions that I've posed above deserve consideration, the things that your friend does to you are simply not okay. When you're presented a situation wherein a friend capitalizes on every opportunity to be rude or put your plans asunder, I believe it is well within your jurisdiction to address the matter at hand.

For instance, let's pretend that you've invited several friends over for a Festivus party (forgive me, but I'm in a Festivus way). You have spent the entire afternoon preparing a magnificent feast complete with Turkish Delight and selecting what you deem appropriate music for the evening. Later, the guests have all arrived and the party has hit its stride -- the minglers mingle, the Turkish Delight delights, and all is made perfect by the glorious strains of the Nutcracker Suite. And in a rush more soothing than a thousand mouthwash commercials, something occurs to you as you check on your guests, This is the perfect part... what is that noise? And in the corner of your eye, you see Bob, iPod in hand, changing up the music at your Holiday party. What nerve is this!? What do you do?

So Here's What to Do

Quietly approach Bob and politely ask him to not play with the music -- careful not to embarrass him in front of the other guests. Maybe say, "Bob, you don't have to do that! I spent all afternoon getting the party ready so you could just come and enjoy yourself. Wassail?" or more forcefully, "Bob, would you mind not doing that? Thanks."

I Said, "Be Helpful"...

That really is all that I would do. What more is there to do? If Bob, chooses not to relent, he's elected to actively disrespect you at your own party and you certainly shouldn't invite him to another -- call it a violation of house rules. If however, he acquiesces to your request, what could have been easier than to just ask him? He may have his feelings hurt briefly, but he will almost assuredly see the error of his ways.

In fact, in any situation where he is a guest and decides to take control of the situation, I'd merely ask him not to. Eventually, he will get the message.

As for the "great chips" and "lame jokes", I don't think this a manners issue. It sounds like your friend Bob just craves attention and that maybe he questions his contribution to the group. It's not uncommon as we all desire to be recognized and found important.

Perhaps, if it's not too painful, you could offer to help Bob throw a party at his house so that he gets to choose the music and work the grill and buy the chips, etc. Then towards the end of the night have a toast thanking Bob for the great party -- which would be a really classy thing for you to do, anyway. Maybe, if you can get Bob to stop questioning his value to the group, all of these problems will take care of themselves.

Thanks, Emily, for writing in.

Remember, friends, as I mentioned before, good friendships are always worth the effort; and when they seem to be more trouble than their worth, first make sure the problem isn't you.

Administrative

Thank you for listening to Modern Admonishment Man's -- er, um -- Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. And thanks to Colin Smith of The MannersCast for guest writing this episode. You can find out more about Colin and The MannersCast at http://www.mannerscast.com.

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