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Episode Transcript

To Hug or Not to Hug?
Episode 74: Monday, April 13, 2009

Modern Manners Guy here with a-- okay, I'm just gonna take a little step back here. There. Much better. I can't concentrate while someone is in my space. No offense. Well, the news media went berserk earlier this month when the First Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, swapped an affectionate touch on the back or hug with The Queen of England. Touchgate 2009 became front-page news and even prompted a statement from a Buckingham Palace spokesman. So when is it appropriate to hug? And when does a hug become an international incident? We’ll get to that after this message.

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Personal Space

Societies across our globe view personal space very differently. In many places it’s not uncommon to see friends interlocking their arms as they walk down the street or standing so close that they must know exactly what each person had for lunch. Then there are places where walking too close to someone might accidentally end in marriage. On a personal level, each of us has a certain level of comfort when it comes to the distance between ourselves and the nearest human. This level of comfort may or may not be tied to a particular culture. Though we all have different opinions on how close is too close, there are some general rules everyone should follow in order to be sensitive and more mannerly.

Friendship

For the friendly crowd, start off with a bit of a wide berth when getting to know someone. Handshakes are appropriate until a stronger bond is forged. Get to know your new friend's personality before encroaching on his or her personal space.

Many folks, like myself, who are from the Southern United States tend to go straight for hugs. This gesture can break down walls quickly, but should be self-policed as it can also make someone very uncomfortable. It's fine to simply ask, "Do you prefer hugs?" The answer may be no, in which case you don't get your feelings hurt, fall back to the handshake, and save yourself from a restraining order. It’s typical for there to some form of physical greeting. If you aren’t particular about which greeting, you might try to read the other person as they approach. An outstretched hand by the other party will settle the situation into a handshake, but if the other person leans in or slightly turns to the side as they approach, you might be looking at a hug. Don’t panic! Stick around for more about hugs in a bit.

Courtship

Courtship is a different matter. The most exciting part of dating and building a relationship with a romantic interest is working out the physical aspect of the relationship. Nothing gets the heart pumping like taking the plunge and holding hands for the first time. I'm not a relationship expert, but I do know that it's important to respect boundaries. Be sensitive to your partner and discuss things so you are both on the same page. Respond quickly and respectfully to any negative feedback, and keep communication open. The sooner you build the habit of talking things out, the better your relationship will be.

Business

The office is a place for conducting business, so the default for this environment should be a handshake and a respectful distance. It is crossing the line to move into lots of hugging, shoulder rubbing, and back scratching at the office. Not only is that potential lawsuit fodder, but even if the person getting his back scratched is comfortable with the gesture, it would certainly make anyone else in the room terribly uncomfortable. An inspiring presentation on the quarterly numbers might rouse a hearty slap on the shoulder, but anything remotely approaching romantic should be saved for outside the workplace.

Hugs

I've mentioned hugging several times. Hug is a tiny word that can mean a lot. It's a show of affection, a way to comfort, and a means of celebration. There are lots of different hugs to go along with those situations, too. The side hug, the pick-you-up-in-the-air hug, the still-shaking-hands hug, and especially the full "get-in-here" straight on hug. When you've examined a relationship and determined that a hug is appropriate, be sure to pick your hug carefully. Try to read the other party to make sure your version of the hug won't be seen as an invasion of their privacy. Even a side hug or a neck hug with a safe distance can convey heartwarming familiarity.

Many of us might have been able to guess that touching one of England's royalty was taboo if we stopped to think about reasons why. Not only is the Queen considered a sacred person, but the potential safety hazards alone are enough to send the guard into a frenzy. However, the situation in which Michelle Obama found herself deserves a closer look.

Now, let's say you're the First Lady of The United States of America, and you've had a fetching time getting to know a wonderful lady who just happens to be The Queen of England. If Her Majesty places a hand on your back indicating her comfort level with you and her affection for you, feel free to return the sentiment in kind. After all, the Queen made the first move. If you are ever trying to decide to hug or not to hug, you can simply wait for the other party to go first. Also, be quick to respect further boundaries and watch for any negative feedback. If the person goes in for the side hug—as in the case of the Queen—don’t go in for the pick-you-up-in-the-air hug

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Interesting Link:

The official website of The British Monarchy - http://www.royal.gov.uk/Home.aspx

Comments (8) for To Hug or Not to Hug? | Subscribe to Comment

newman Says:
8/2/2009 5:04:43 PM

MODERN manners? Are there any? How about drinking beer out of a bottle in a bar? Good example of MODERN manners. Maybe you should change your name to Mr. Manners?

Anna Says:
7/1/2009 11:15:54 PM

Hugging is my signature thing....I hug everyone from boyfriends to hairdressers. And for some odd reason, people seem to be okay with that (probably because I am a very small, childish looking person). I can also just *sense* when somebody is not right to hug. I've never had an awkward hug.

Trent Armstrong Says:
4/27/2009 11:50:17 PM

I'm not sure it was a big, bad thing for either of the ladies to do. At least one person has be drug through the mud in recent history for simply touching The Queen, so has some merit. And where the former situation may not really be that much of a big deal, I am confident that many folks don't consider respecting personal space during their daily lives. This situation was simply a good starting point for the discussion.

golden Says:
4/23/2009 8:40:10 AM

agree on more

Sharon Says:
4/18/2009 3:42:10 PM

Let's get a grip here. We are in the 21st century - the minor faux pas with the Queen is just that, minor. As far as I'm concerned, they pay taxes just as everyone else does, so I challenge the 'sacred' concept of any self-declared connection to divinity. In this world of increasingly nasty viruses and bacteria, I think that Michelle Obabama's casual touch on the shoulder is more appropriate to shaking hands (easily one of the most unsanitary greetings I can think of). Adopting the greeting of many other countries: hands flat, together and vertical, accompanied by a neck bowing is much more acceptable, especially accompanied by a warmly toned word/expression of greeting. This greeting gesture is also a mark of respect; the degree of the bowing forwards can be altered as appropriate. There is another silly outdated custom in terms of dealing with royalty: The person greeting a monarch is not supposed to be higher than that of the monarch. Once monarchs and their relatives decided to walk among the non-titled masses, including inviting them to their garden parties, where the monarch moves around to greet her guests, the old protocol becomes completely obsolete. The Queen of England has enough people bowing and scraping to her on a daily, hourly basis. I cannot speak for her, but this creates such a distance from real human contact that she just might welcome the experience of greetings from other cultures. Protocol has its uses, but let's put it in proportion and start looking at whether any of the items involved in 'protocol' are still valid today. Earlier foreign dignitaries and presidents than Obama have committed far worse blunders than this. In Canada, a past prime minister insisted on smoking while greeting the Queen - how very rude. Another U.S. president vomited on the prime minister (correct title unknown) of Japan - not very smart or friendly to attend a state dinner with the flu and not enough anti-emetics in your system. In the end, if touching the Queen is such a big, bad deal, then the people in the Secret Service of both countries (US & UK) were negligent in failing to inform First Lady Obama regarding the currently approved manner of greeting. How petty to trash the First Lady for an innocent, well-intended gesture.

Miss Manners Says:
4/15/2009 12:17:21 PM

If the Queen and First Lady shared no complaints, why are we wasting time talking about this? Of course the hug was mutual and that was what made it appropriate.

Sandy Says:
4/14/2009 5:00:28 PM

Okay, I'm from South Texas and I/we hug all the time. It is not uncommon. Even with co-workers; we hug all the time (if we like the person :-)). I don't see the harm and just southern hospitality. But, I can see where some could take offense. Not in the south... Thanks for the lesson and tip on proper personal space.

Charlie on the PA Tpk Says:
4/14/2009 11:30:38 AM

Good day, Having grown up in the northeast of the US, I personally believe that hugging is generally inappropriate unless there is an established courtship or family bond. That being said, I believe the issue surrounding the First Lady was completely innocent, and probably appropriate given the circumstances of the Queen's actions. However, the gravity of the situation was magnified when several other issues involving protocol were ignored or overlooked by President Obama and his staff in the days since taking office. Taken individually, none of these protocol faux pas were anything large. However when viewed collectively, there appears to be a pattern of behavior that may not sit well with foreign dignitaries. That is why, I believe, the so-called hug (or rather: 'touch') made headlines around the world. Thank you for your pod casts, and for the opportunity to comment.