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Modern Manners Guy host Trent Armstrong grew up in the southern United States where manners were an everyday part of life. However, he noticed that through the years it seemed manners were taking a back seat to the whims of a selfish society. Trent thought it was about time that America and the world were reintroduced to manners and he promises to help us all improve our manners until we're all living a more polite life -- or until the Internet shuts down.

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Is Swearing Bad Manners?

Episode 112: January 10, 2010
General | Dating, Weddings, and Parties | Out and About | Work

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by Trent Armstrong

I received another email recently, and it deals with swearing in public. The particular email comes from someone we all know! I'll dig it out in just a sec.

This podcast is sponsored by GoToMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting http://www.gotomeeting.com/podcast

A Question from The Modern Manners Guy Himself

This email comes from-- well, me! Let's see what I had to say.

Dear Modern Manners Guy,
I was eating out at a restaurant with my family the other night when a young man sitting at a table behind us began using profanity just about every other word. I couldn't see the person but I could hear him, and I'm sure my four-year-old was able to hear as well. We were almost through with our dinner so I just stuck it out and hoped for the best. What advice can you give for this situation?

Sincerely,
Modern Manners Guy

Is Swearing Bad Manners?

Well, me, I think I need to step back from this situation for a moment and talk about a bigger issue. Using profanity, no matter what is said or where it is used, is decidedly NOT mannerly.

There are many who swear because they don't know any better. That might be good, solid information for those folks who do know better now. Others curse for impact. They might think "Why would I use a kinder word when I'm looking to shake things up?"

If your use of profanity is to make someone feel bad, you are completely missing the point of manners.

When looking at the manners of swearing, we need to think about what kind of impact our words are having. Using curse words can make you feel powerful, but this kind of language is defensive and belligerent. And if you use profanity to make someone feel bad, you are completely missing the point of manners in the first place. Manners are about putting someone before yourself and making him or her feel important. Swearing at or near someone will usually have the opposite effect.

Yes, I did say "near someone." Attitudes are many times contagious. So someone just hearing you swear can begin to lose their positive outlook.

Swearing will also make others think you have a very simple vocabulary and you may lose any respect and admiration from them.

Where Can You Swear?

It is my humble opinion that there is no place that is suited for swearing. Let me just make this tip quick and dirty:

Do not swear in church or other house of worship.
Do not swear at work, school, or home.
Do not swear at your wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend.
Do not swear at your parents or your kids.
Do not swear out of anger or elation.
Do not swear at anyone younger than you, anyone older than you, or anyone your age.
Do not swear.

If I Can't Swear, What Can I say?

"Well," you might say, "What do you expect me to do?! I have this set of really powerful words that you are asking me not to use again. What am I supposed to say?!"

Before you say anything, consider your attitude. Then, if you feel like you MUST use a really powerful word or phrase, I can actually provide documentation of other words and phrases that are wonderful alternatives to swear words and hold the same weight, if not more. Stick around for a short list of alternative curse words.

Also, curbing your cursing can take time. Don't give up if you're making the effort to replace swearing with manners. Check the notes in this post for a website that can help with cuss control.

What Do I Do If Someone Around Me Is Swearing?

Now, let's get back to the original situation. Should you find yourself in earshot of someone who is using profanity, there are a few options. The first is to simply leave. Sometimes that's not possible so you'll need to intelligently asses the situation.

You might need to do what I had to at a football game. It is certainly within your rights, especially if you have your kids with you, to politely request that the offender stop swearing. Say something like, "Excuse me. I have my kid here. Would you please stop swearing?" As with any situation, if you are forceful and not polite, you might get yourself a free knuckle sandwich. So be firm without making it an order.

It's possible you'll realize that there is sure to be a black eye in your future if you bring it up. Yes, you should stand up for manners, but pick your battles wisely.

Alternatives to Swear Words

Now, as promised, a short list of alternatives to swear words:

Shucks, tater tots, son of a biscuit eater, son of a mother, son of a gun, rats, cheese whiz, dadgummit, dag nabit, sufferin' succotash, fiddle sticks, horse pucky, Jimminy Crickets, fudge, heck, Shiitake mushrooms, phooie, bricklayer, awww pickles, shoot a monkey, shapoopie, my stars, fiddle faddle, frak, shazbot, Great Scott, gee willakers, drat, and darn.

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Relevant Links

http://www.cusscontrol.com/
http://www.clarksco.com/trivia/curse/index.php
http://www.ehow.com/how_2068165_start-swear-jar.html

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Comments for Is Swearing Bad Manners?

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tamugirl
1/24/2010 1:04:41 PM

I have no problem requesting someone tone down their vulgarity when my son is around. In fact I was in a situation much like what Mr. Manners described. Out eating with my son when a man a few tables away was talking so loud you could hear him bellowing out throughout the entire place. I decided not to make a scene and politely walked over to his table, put my hand on his shoulder and whispered to him-"I was just wondering if perhaps you could tone down the language..we'll be leaving soon but I have my son with me and we can hear you across the restaurant." He took it very well, apologized and we both went on our merry way. I don't expect every person to be sensitive about this issue but I do expect common courtesy should I request that someone not use some words around me. Does this mean I am limiting my vocabulary? I guess but with all the billions of other words to choose from does it matter?

Skyclad_Rights
1/21/2010 5:12:49 PM

I'll avoid ad hominem, and suggest this opinion piece makes "manners guy" appear as a craniorectal invert while attempting to perpetrate a fraud.

I've had a deli owner near a housing "project" apologize to me after seeing me give funny looks toward a girl in his store talking on her cel phone, using some fvck variant about every other word. I had to explain to him no need for the apology, and my reaction was to the broken literacy of someone with such narrow vocabulary, whose communication ability would collapse were she required to shift to written language or even voice with people who didn't read most of the conversation from tone and known information about her life issues.

What's offensive and bad manners in this article is that manners guy is promoting bigotry and its institutionalization as if social norms, while pretending there is a factual and universal definition of "profanity". To profane by its etymology requires stipulating some supposed god, and pretending humans know what allegedly offends that fabricated delusion. How absurd, the Buddha as a non-god might think. How psychotic and often malicious, an atheist or someone with different deity pantheons might think. You've got the wrong god(s), or screwed up the details on what offends, profanes, or blasphemes, him, them, or it, some of yet other religions might be equally sure.

What our society lacks is any comfortable or functional standard for avoiding the conflicts of neighbors with very different ideological or practical values. What we have are civil rights standards that give strong protections to individual choices to values and practices others dislike, if not despise in some cases. Manners guy might help people in that society grow the fvck up, as many are far from doing, and learn to dump bigotry and prejudice driven notions that any of us have a singular, often hatefully coerced or extorted, set of social values that is or can be universal and ethical or legal in such a diverse society. It's easy to explain why censorship is abusive relative to our society, but impossible to create any singular norm over many ideology and religion rooted issues without that amounting to an attempt to use social coercion if not gunpoint threats to essentially convert historic or personal bigotry into institutionalized oppression.

As to the use of expletives as a form of release, after an injury, or in frustration at recklessly defective software or products, some people might do far better learning such language habits than kicking walls or people (though if the guilty could be strangled....), or throwing things. Mr. Begg's comments below link to some interesting background there.

It can also be a proactive effort to shape society when words or similar expressions some claim are profane are used regularly across society. It helps to break down institutionalized bigotry when it's made impossible for people to prop up delusions that any particular words are "vulgar", in that term's historic meaning. Certainly the folks in the synergistic consortium from the Ed Albee play that became an example set to the Carlin monologue used as an intermediate stage of what started as Pacifica Foundation's effort to air a holiday arts special in San Francisco and resulted in taxpayers transcribing "7 Words" for every good library kid to have available, are highly literate, and not "low" literacy or class in historic senses. Oh, but we violate our social elitism oaths when we demand that abusive uses of archaic monoculture based bigotry is tossed out as hazardous to modern diverse society.

How do we make that process faster?

caroline
1/21/2010 10:17:44 AM

I'm also in the Jenifer camp. I have an excellent vocabulary and (I think) pretty good manners, but I still swear. The key is to know when and where it's acceptable. I would never swear in front of my mother or kids (mine or otherwise). I don't swear in front of clients or when dealing with customer service issues of my own. I occasionally swear in front of my boss and coworkers (as in "ARGH - this computer is driving me ****ing batty!) or with friends in private conversation. Sometimes, no other word will do. The substitutes you offered are NOT good alternatives. They sound silly and immature, and sometimes a wee bit backwards.... "dag nabbit"? "sufferin' succotash"? Seriously? That might work when you are holding your tongue in front of your 4 year old, but not in an adult conversation when you're trying to expalin just how incredibly frustrated you are about something. And ultimately, a word is just a word....

Mark W
1/19/2010 3:36:09 PM

I'm all for manners when it comes to things with a practical impact; I will gladly hold the door open for someone carrying something heavy. In the case of profanity, however, what is the real impact. All I've come to so far is:

- Don't use profanity
- Why not?
- Because it offends people
- Why are they offended?
- Because you used profanity. Don't use profanity.

This reminds me of an example of circular logic used in one of my textbooks. Let's stop wasting time on changing behavior that is only considered bad because someone else has a problem with it.

Which has more impact?
"The war on profanity is fiddle faddle!"
-or-
"The war on profanity is f**king bulls**t!"

Michael Rochester
1/19/2010 1:44:49 PM

I agree entirely with Jenifer.

The intention is the same regardless of whether you use an actual swear word, or a substitute, and that is where the question of manners comes in.

This was a very shallow episode that simply sounded like someone who doesn't like a few choice words, but who actually endorses cursing by providing alternatives that can be used. Is it therefore OK for me to tell my boss to 'fudge off' simply because I didn't use the more standard F word? I swear at work, profusely, I swear at home, I swear when I'm talking to my friends, and I swear to a lesser extent when I talk to my family. The thing is, I know and respect the boundaries of the various different people I talk to on a daily basis, and regardless of what words I am using, I have good manners to know what would be considered going too far. THAT is what the manners of swearing is all about.

jenifer
1/18/2010 1:34:58 PM

Can someone please explain to me why using words that are considered "curse words" is an indicator of a limited vocabulary, but replacing them with words like jiminy cricket and fudge is not?

Dawn
1/15/2010 5:05:08 PM

I am going to start to stop swearing. It is a f*****g terrible habit I picked up years ago and I need to re-learn! But my co-workers and kids know when I'm mad, I use jiminmycrickets or GODBLESSAMERICA. I keep catching my boss using the GBA :)

I have a younger family member that swears during every sentence. I am not exaggerating. My kids always ask why he talks like that, I say because he hasn't taken the time to learn a better vocabulary. I do have a better vocabulary, I should really use it.

Thanks for the nudge.

Becca
1/15/2010 11:23:15 AM

Just had to let you know what my fiancé and I tend to use as a substitute work - "motherhubbard". It always raises a chuckle ;)

Jost
1/14/2010 5:47:17 PM

Ugh, Jennifer, I could not agree more.

jenifer
1/14/2010 10:11:02 AM

Not swearing in public is a matter of manners, since you never know if someone around you will be offended by your language choices.

Not swearing at home is a matter of personal values, so it seems just plain wrong to tell a person they've made a bad choice to use "bad" language in a situation with others whom they know to not be offended by such language. It's not a matter of manners then, since they are taking into account how their actions affect those around them.

Swearing is just a matter of social custom. Swear words are just words. To claim that someone who swears has a limited vocabulary is backward. Someone who chooses not to swear has, by definition, limited their vocabulary by eliminating the use of certain words. There's nothing wrong with that choice, but it is, again, judgmental to assume that because someone uses a "bad" word it's because they don't know any different words to use in its place.

This podcast episode is almost enough to make me unsubscribe. That's not because you don't like swearing - everyone gets to have an opinion on that and none are wrong. It's because you so neatly judge everyone who chooses to use words that you don't like as less intelligent and less mannered, even if those people know better than to use such words in places where someone might be offended by them.

Finally, why are words that are meant to sound like "swear words" okay to use. A phrase like "shiitake mushrooms" is only a good substitute for swearing because it sounds like an offensive word for just a second. That should be just as offensive as using the word itself, shouldn't it?

John Begg
1/11/2010 2:18:29 PM

Perhaps another way to avert poor language is to consider why exactly we swear.

May I recommend the following article that explains the psychological origins / reasons why people swear? It is most enlightening. And maybe understanding the mechanical motivations for swearing, may help one resist the impulse:

http://people.howstuffworks.com/swearing.htm

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A Quick and Dirty Poll

Which substitute swear word is best?

frak

phooey

fudge

none--I need the real *@$% thing

Is Swearing Bad Manners?

I received another email recently, and it deals with swearing in public. The particular email comes from someone we all know! I'll dig it out in just a sec.

A Question from The Modern Manners Guy Himself

Is Swearing Bad Manners?

Well, me, I think I need to step back from this situation for a moment and talk about a bigger issue. Using profanity, no matter what is said or where it is used, is decidedly NOT mannerly.

There are many who swear because they don't know any better. That might be good, solid information for those folks who do know better now. Others curse for impact. They might think "Why would I use a kinder word when I'm looking to shake things up?"

Yes, I did say "near someone." Attitudes are many times contagious. So someone just hearing you swear can begin to lose their positive outlook.

Swearing will also make others think you have a very simple vocabulary and you may lose any respect and admiration from them.

Where Can You Swear?

It is my humble opinion that there is no place that is suited for swearing. Let me just make this tip quick and dirty:

Do not swear in church or other house of worship.

Do not swear at work, school, or home.

Do not swear at your wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend.

Do not swear at your parents or your kids.

Do not swear out of anger or elation.

Do not swear at anyone younger than you, anyone older than you, or anyone your age.

Do not swear.

If I Can't Swear, What Can I say?

"Well," you might say, "What do you expect me to do?! I have this set of really powerful words that you are asking me not to use again. What am I supposed to say?!"

Also, curbing your cursing can take time. Don't give up if you're making the effort to replace swearing with manners. Check the notes in this post for a website that can help with cuss control.

What Do I Do If Someone Around Me Is Swearing?

Now, let's get back to the original situation. Should you find yourself in earshot of someone who is using profanity, there are a few options. The first is to simply leave. Sometimes that's not possible so you'll need to intelligently asses the situation.

It's possible you'll realize that there is sure to be a black eye in your future if you bring it up. Yes, you should stand up for manners, but pick your battles wisely.

Alternatives to Swear Words

Now, as promised, a short list of alternatives to swear words: