Wow. These pants feel a little tight in the waist today. Maybe no one will notice. Anyway, I'm the Modern Manners Guy and I've received a flurry of emails recently about the need people seem to have to comment on someone else's appearance. I think it's time we give the ol' mental filter a tune-up and make sure it's in proper working order before anyone gets themselves in trouble. More on this after a word from our very generous sponsor.
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How to Handle Comments About Your Appearance Now, there are very few people in your life who trust you enough to want to listen to your comments about their appearance, especially negative ones. That trust must be earned. That means that most people who jokingly comment about another person’s weight or height (and so on) are just plain «rude». Flying off the handle or simply writing this «rude» person off is the easy way out. The mannerly response to these kinds of comments starts with patience.
Yes, it is easier to talk about patience that to actually exhibit patience. And since comments about appearance can cut the deepest, it will take time to learn that patience. You’ll need patience with the low-brows who are making these comments and patience with yourself as you learn to accept who you are. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying you shouldn't work to lose those extra pounds or hit the weight bench from time to time if you feel like you need to improve yourself. What I am saying is you don't have the ability to control anyone else's manners but your own. When you work to be gracious and kind for your own sake, you will start to see what manners are for in the first place.
How to Respond to Inappropriate Comments
Yeah. That all sounds like mumbo jumbo so here are some practical tips for when someone makes a negative comment about your appearance.
- First, take the comment in context and give the offending party the benefit of the doubt. Make sure you are not having a bad day already and are just reading too much into the comment. And consider the source. If this person is known for being harmless yet socially awkward, you might just chock it up to ignorance.
- Secondly, do not explode. Your negative feelings about the offending person may have been building up for some time and your jerky co-worker's snide remark was the last straw. But the last thing anyone in your office needs to see is you becoming a whirling dervish--tossing water coolers across the room and jamming your loud-mouthed friend in the trash bin. That goes for storming off in a huff, too. Taking time away from the situation is good, but do so in order to cool down and not to work on your strategy for revenge.
What to Say to People Who Make Inappropriate Comments
Now, once you have mastered the art of not turning into the Tasmanian Devil, you have two options:
Option 1 - Talk it out.
Wait until the situation has passed and you can talk to the offender privately. Try to approach them in a non-threatening way and be matter-of-fact with them. Tell them how those comments affect you and ask that they not discuss your appearance at all. Do not be accusatory. If you put them on the defensive, your point will not get through.
Option 2 - Blow it off.
You can pretend that nothing ever happened or give a "hardy-har" and carry on about your business. When you ignore these comments, the perpetrator may either realize the error of his or her ways or lose interest over time.
Turn on Your Manners Filter
To those of us who interact with people on a daily basis-- I'm guessing that's most of the folks partaking of this podcast-- remember your filter. Your filter is the part of your brain that catches you before you make an idiot out of yourself by thinking, "If I say that, it will have a very high probability of earning me a knuckle sandwich." Some people chose to ignore the filter; some folks just don't have a very good one.
Exercise Your Manners Filter
My challenge to you, good listener, is to exercise your filter. Even if you're often the victim of someone else's filter failure, keep your own filter in place. An example of filter failure is to ask a woman when her baby is due if you don't know for a fact that she's pregnant. Also, don't comment on a person's most obvious feature—tall, short or otherwise-- the moment you see them. And make an effort to look into the future of your conversation to see what you think the result of your playful comment might be.
But no matter how hard you work at honing your filter, you will probably slip up from time to time. If you do you slip up, apologize. That is also something that takes practice.
Administration
Thanks for listening to this episode of The Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. Be sure to try GoToMeeting today FREE for 30 days. Just visit GoToMeeting.com/podcast. That’s GoToMeeting.com/podcast. Do more and travel less with Go To Meeting.
Remember that if you have any comments or questions you may email me The Modern Manners Guy at manners@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 206-666-4MRM. And don't forget to become a fan of the podcast on FaceBook. Drop by, join the discussions, and let us know about your manners situations. You'll find a link to my FaceBook group at manners.quickanddirtytips.com.
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