Hi, I'm the Modern Manners Guy, and I have a very important announcement. Parents can be some of the grumpiest people on the planet. I recently received an email from a listener who just can't figure out her parents. From grades to curfew it's a conundrum that needs consideration. But first -- 

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Listener Email

Dear Modern Manners Guy,

My parents and I fight constantly over grades, boys, etc.; and, I have to say that, most of the time it is my fault. How do I tell my parents about 1) if I get a bad grade, and 2) if I stay out past my curfew.

Sincerely,

A Young Listener

Take a Self-Test

Dear Young Listener, I have a few questions for you to ask yourself. Would you say that you are able to admit to your parents when you are wrong about something? And do you feel like you are trying to see "The Rules" as applicable and follow them? It's important for you to ask yourself these questions before continuing since the rest of this podcast hinges on your answers. If you answer negatively to either or both questions, what I have to say is moot. If you are at least considering answering in a positive manner, please continue on.

I have been in your shoes before and, yes, most of the time my failures were my fault. I really liked to hang out with friends in high school and would forget the time or just not let my mother know when I was changing locations. What I found is that kind of stuff is like if I were to slam someone's hand in the car door. Let me explain.

Truth v. Trust

There is truth and there is trust. If I slam someone's hand, maybe your hand, in a car door, the truth is that I did slam your hand in the car door. If I just told you, "Hey. Look at that! I slammed your hand in the car door," you might trust me to shut the car door again. But that is only truth. If I slammed your hand again and then reported that truth to you, you would probably not let me anywhere near the car door again. You have stopped trusting me even though I have been completely truthful.

If you let me shut the car door again, and I mentioned that I would be shutting the door so you could move your hand, I think you would take notice of that. Or I could just pay attention and wait for your hand to be out of the way. That would be me taking on responsibility. The truth is good. Don't get me wrong. But just telling your parents about a bad grade or that you came home after curfew isn't going to help them trust you.

What you have to decide is whether you will be someone who is trustworthy. Obviously, you have a concern for society. If you didn't, you wouldn't be interested in Quick and Dirty Manners Tips. I also think you are interested in a cordial and mutually respectful relationship with your parents. Otherwise, you would not have written in.

Making the Grade

So here's my advice about telling your parents you made a bad grade. Do everything in your power to make good grades and show your parents you are making that effort. Then make sure they see results. At that point, you have started to become trustworthy to them. Everyone has a bad day or makes a mistake. When you have those moments where you come up short, tell your parents quickly before they find out from someone else.  

Set Up Solutions

Something to file away for when you are out of school and in the workforce is that when you come to someone with a problem, try also come with a solution. Tell your parents you'll mow the yard for money so you can get a tutor or that you've already set up a time to meet with the teacher to go over the things you weren't clear about. Your folks will see that you are owning your situation, and they might even begin to approach the situation as teammates with you instead of authoritarian dictators. This will make them happy and, in turn, will decrease the level of tension in your house.

Curfew Code

You also asked about breaking curfew. You should try some preventative medicine on this one. Start coming home thirty minutes before curfew from time to time and make sure your parents know. Then set up a rule with them that in the unlikely event that you discover you'll be home after curfew, you'll call them to let them know where you are and when you will actually be home. Then shoot for being home fifteen minutes before the time you told them.

The Benefits

Most parents aren't interested in just doling out punishment. They want communication. They want to see you succeed in your education AND your social life. Keeping them informed of what's going on at school and what you'll be up to when you're out with friends might disorient them. You will often see their mouths agape in awe at the wonderful human being they are raising. They will sleep easier at night which will lead to them fussing at you less. Then, they will start to trust you more and your life will ease up as they start easing up on the rules.

Where are The Manners?