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Episode Transcript

Food Fight! Addressing a Pet Peeve Over the Dinner Table
Episode 46: Monday, September 29, 2008

Hello, friends. I'm so glad you could find the time to join me here today. <Cue: smacking noises> I'm kind of in a rush today, so I'm hoping that you don't mind if I grab a bite to eat while I record this. Oh, wait, of course you do, because it's disgusting -- but would you bring that to my attention? Of course, I'm only joking, but today's podcast deals with this very question: What do you do when you have a friend with unsavory table manners? Pepper him with advice or clam up? Before we dig into the question, a word from our sponsor:

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Food Fight!

A new listener, we'll call him Folger, writes, "A friend from college and I meet once a month at one of our favorite restaurants to have dinner together. My friend's table manners are, to be completely honest, unacceptable. He misuses utensils, mangles his food and talks with his mouth full -- all of which embarrass me terribly. It's become so bad that I've started thinking about finding shallow excuses for skipping a couple of those dinners and hoping that we both forget about them. Since I'd really like to see him at least on this monthly basis, I was wondering, may I talk with him about this? I'm not his mother, and he's not a little child anymore, but would I be doing him a favor telling him about these "problems" since he probably goes to lunch or dinner with clients, too?"

Thanks for the question, Folger. If this had been about the food itself, I would have recommended The Nutrition Diva here at the Quick and Dirty Tips Network. She knows her stuff. However, Folger is curious about whether he should offer manners advice to his friend.

And the short answer is, "I wouldn't," and here's why.

Chicken Little Had It Easy

When dealing with a situation like this, I find the first question to ask oneself is, "How do I handle unsolicited criticism that is leveled on me like a ton of bricks from out of the clear blue sky?" And after remembering that the answer is typically, "not well at all," I realize that one may do best to avoid situations that could result in someone else's feelings getting hurt. Of course, I use hyperbole to make a point, but I think you get my meaning. We human beings can be a frustratingly sensitive lot, so, being one of those sensitive human beings means each of us should afford the same courtesies to those around us that we ourselves desire.

It's a completely different situation if this friend of yours actually requests advice, but I will talk about that in an upcoming episode.

I Feel Your Pain

I know, I know, I jumped right over Folger and straight to the defensive, and I'm sorry. I want you to know that I certainly understand where you're coming from. Unless I'm misreading you, what you've explained to me is a pet peeve, and I know that there is little worse than a pet peeve. The guy who smacks his food, the gal with the irritating laugh, or that kid who blinks funny . . . we've all got 'em and what's worse is we're all guilty of annoying someone else. Me? I can't stand the sound of people chewing . . . mouth open or closed, and it's completely irrational. I'm struggling to make my peace with it, so believe me, I'm right there with you, buddy; but that doesn't excuse me in a social setting. Now, if we check the scoreboard, we have a dead tie: friend with questionable table manners: one point, vs. friend with irrational pet peeve: one point. We're all knotted up. So what do we do about it?

Take Your Pet Peeve on a Long Walk off a Short Pier

The thing about pet peeves is they get the best of you. If we deconstruct the problem, we realize pretty quickly that issue isn't simply with the meal itself, it's with the whole experience which includes the entire month leading up to the next meal starting the very second that you say goodbye after dinner. I think that if you make your best effort to not think about the dinner negatively, you'll do yourself a world of good. Look at it this way, the best way to have a nice quiet dinner with no frustrations is to dine alone -- in outer space. The best way to have dinner with a friend is to enjoy that person for all that he or she is and not worry about all that he or she is not.

Wait a Minute! I Wrote in Asking What to Do About Him?

Well, I think it's fair to say that you're certainly not in the wrong to be annoyed by your pal's behavior. It is annoying behavior. But, I do think that, in this situation, the burden is on you to remember why you're there in the first place -- to spend time with an old friend. Whether you see this person once a month or once a day, pointing out someone's faults should be handled with great care. If you have the kind of friendship where that is a common occurrence, that is one thing. But because you are his polite friend and neither his girlfriend nor his boss have mentioned his unsightly habits, he's probably just going to have to realize them on his ownThank you for listening to the Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. Please join the many others who have visited podcastawards.com to nominate our show. It will help us spread the word about this podcast and wouldn't it be nice if we had more folks interested in a more polite life?

Thanks to Colin Smith of The MannersCast for guest-writing this episode. You can hear more from Colin and the rest of The MannersCast at http://www.mannerscast.com.

Transcripts of this show can be found online at manners.quickanddirtytips.com, where you can also get the http://wwwGoToMeeting.com/podcasts link for your free 30-day trial.

Send your question and comments to manners@quickanddirtytips.com Or leave a voicemail at 206-666-4MrM. The Modern Manners Guy is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips Network, which has released its first book-- Grammar Girl's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing. Order it now anywhere books are sold.

Comments (1) for Food Fight! Addressing a Pet Peeve Over the Dinner Table | Subscribe to Comment

Elizabeth Says:
10/27/2008 9:32:38 PM

Oh man, thank you for this. The sound of chewing--like you, whether open- or closed-mouthed--drives me absolutely bonkers. My boyfriend, as much as I love him, is a really noisy chewer. It wasn't such a big deal when we lived apart, as we mostly ate together in noisy restaurants. But now that we're living together, crunchy breakfast cereals in our otherwise silent apartment can drive me bonkers. He knows about my pet peeve (I wasn't going to bring it up, but he knows my trying-not-to-say-anything face too well, and I had to explain) and generally tries to eat more quietly, but sometimes he just forgets. And sometimes we just eat noisy foods. I feel terrible being bothered by it--he's just eating, after all! At the same time, though, I'm genuinely bothered by it. It helps a lot to know that I'm not alone in battling these demons. What a tricky, sticky wicket, manners-wise! I do have a couple tips, though, for people in the same situation: (1) In private settings, try playing music with meals. Getting the volume to a point where people don't have trouble hearing each other, but you don't hear the food is a matter of trial and error. But once you get it right, it really helps. Not only does it mask the chewing noises, it gives you something to focus on when you find yourself completely distracted by your friend's inability to use a fork correctly. (2) If it's someone you don't see very often, like Folger's friend above, suggest other non-eating activities. Maybe you've found this really great coffee house nearby that you've been meaning to try. Maybe there's an art exhibit you want to see. Maybe you can go on a hike or a walk instead. Blame finances, or blame getting bored of the restaurant, whatever. (3) Beyond that, this episode is completely right: You've pretty much just got to get over it. It's a pain in the neck, but there's no point in losing a friend over a matter of table manners. No matter how much it bothers you.