by Richie Frieman   

They say, “When you gotta go, you gotta go” but sometimes having to use a bathroom that is not your own – in an emergency or not – can be a frightening experience. Now, I’ve never been in a women’s restroom, so I had to do some research with female friends and colleagues to get the full scoop. Man oh man, was I shocked! I thought the men’s world of restrooms was the drek of public places, but it seems the same goes for both genders. And just when I thought that having to use a trough at a stadium was the lowest of the low (in the year 2012, mind you), no matter where I go, it’s always topped – regardless of how nice the establishment is.

Proper Restroom Etiquette

Public, office, and even restaurant restrooms sometimes look like a testing facility for toxic waste. A bathroom at one at my past jobs had a floor covered in every color of the bodily function rainbow, decorating the tiles like a Rorschach Test. I mean, us fellows have a “part” that allows us to visibly aim, yet some guys treat that large white ceramic urinal or toilet as threatening as hitting the metal part on the board game Operation. It drives me nuts.

So before you enter any bathroom other than your own, bring plenty of hand sanitizer, don’t touch the door handle with your bare hands, and check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for proper restroom etiquette:

Tip #1 – Eyes Forward Soldier!

In What is Proper Gym Locker Room Etiquette? I mentioned how improper to is to stand around in your birthday suit while talking to people. I don’t care if you are best friends, siblings, or complete strangers, when you are naked, and unless you’re my wife, I do not want to talk to you.

The same goes for the restroom. Call me crazy but when I’m at the urinal, I prefer to keep my eyes straight on the wall. Can you talk to people? Sure, knock yourself out. But peering over at someone when you are in the restroom, while they are using it, is an incredible invasion of privacy. For the fellas, this happens all the time at urinals and we’ve all had to endure an awkward conversation of listening to another person talk over their loud peeing. Ladies have told me that some people prefer to kick up the old conversation right outside your door, while you are on the toilet. How bizarre!

When you do find yourself victim to someone trying to stare at you while using the urinal or toilet, just keep your eyes on the road and don’t veer off. Usually a person will catch on that you are not taking your eyes off the wall and follow suit. And if they don’t pick up on your subtle cues, at least you can try to tune them out. As well, minimizing the conversation with a “Mhmm…” or, “Yup…” is a good way to let them know you’re not interested. However, when you are at the sink washing hands, it’s perfectly fine to discuss anything you like.

Tip #2 – Show Some Respect

This is by far one of my biggest pet peeves – people who “miss” the toilet, sink, or anything else in the bathroom designed to catch a liquid substance, and fail to clean up after themselves. When I take my daughter to use the bathroom, I feel like a drill sergeant. “Don’t. Touch. Anything!!!!” If she winds up in therapy one day because I treated public bathrooms like poison ivy, then so be it. She’ll thank me when she doesn’t catch some toxic bacteria.

I get it, you’re “above” wiping off the seat or wiping down the sink that you just splashed liquid all over, but let me tell you something – you should be above treating a bathroom like a caveman (or woman). While at work, I’ll use the bathroom throughout the day and inevitably by the late afternoon, I’ll find myself standing in a splatter of urine. That’s right – it’s beyond foul! Not only that, but when I go to wash my hands (I’ll touch more on this in Tip #3), I’ll sometimes find my shirt sleeves soaked in soapy water that someone else splashed all over the sink. People, a simple wipe of the tissue paper can cure all of this.

When you find yourself knee deep in the bodily functions of other people, there is only so much you can do. I am by no means telling everyone to be the cleaning crew. That, my friends, is left up to people who have the proper protective gear (and should win medals, if you ask me). But, I am saying that when you mess up the seat you should wipe it off. Just a quick swish around the porcelain pony is sufficient. Same for the sink. Use as many paper towels as it takes.

Tip #3 – Good Hygiene Never Hurt Anyone

I know it’s improper to curse, but when people don’t wash their hands after using the restroom, I want to rant like I’m making my own gangster rap album. Ladies are victims of this too, but there is no way they are worse than my fellow males. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used a restroom and while washing my hands, see in the mirror someone zip up and walk right out, not even blinking an eye at the sink. I was at the gym one time and saw one guy use the urinal while still wearing his weight lifting gloves and didn’t wash his hands at all. At that point I nearly lost it.

To top that off, while at the office the same day, I witnessed a colleague (who I always thought was a sanitary person) skip on washing his hands, without a care. Later that day he went to shake my hand and I did not take it. I blamed it on me having a cold, but it was a quick decision as to whether I was going to use an excuse or call him out on his unhygienic behavior. I took the high (aka cowardly) road, the one paved by hygienic people.

I don’t need to ask the House Call Doctor or even my brother who is a virologist at the University of Maryland about the importance of washing your hands. But sadly, some people still need a lesson. It’s like the old Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a girl whose father is a chef at a pizza place, and after seeing her father not wash his hands (after going #2) in the bathroom, Jerry is too afraid to eat the pizza. His “rudeness” causes the woman to end the relationship. But therein lies the truth about disgusting, nasty people who don’t wash their hands. They ruin it for everybody! So whether you suffer in silence like Jerry or boldly call them out on it like I wish I had, something has to be done.

I recommend leaving a note on the mirror of the bathroom that reads, “Please remember to wash your hands!” If it’s during flu season, stress that point even more. Either way, make the sign large and in clean, plain sight. This is a battle we all have to fight, so grab some Purell hand sanitizer and march forth.

Do you have a great story about an awful restroom experience? Post all the details in Comments below. 

As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Check out my Modern Manners Guy Facebook page, follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT. And of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips.