Hello and welcome to Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. We're happy to to have guest contributor Trent Armstrong's help in answering a young listener's question about the pursuit of love.
We recently received an e-mail from a young man, whose name we'll leave out to protect his privacy:
“There is a girl that I can't stop thinking about. I really want to call her, but I am not sure what to do if my parents found out I called a girl. I am thirteen years old (almost) going on fourteen.”
First we'd like to thank you, our young listener, for writing in, and ask you to take heart. Know that you are not alone in your feelings, and yes, even your parents at the tender age of thirteen or fourteen experienced emotions much like those you are dealing with today. But becoming a parent means thinking about the well-being of your child, and helping him or her to take the right steps in life, even if they are not always the easiest ones.
So what should you do? Take a deep breath and talk to your parents about it. It's possible that the only people on the face of the earth more afraid of this discussion than you are your parents. They've probably been thinking about this conversation since before you were born, while you've only been worried about it for a few months. You might start by asking your parents if they ever had a crush on anyone when they were young. Give them a chance to remember how they felt at your age.
Your parents may not have thought about rules for this type of situation yet, but going to them to ask for advice is a very responsible thing to do. You do run the risk that they won't want you to call the young lady, and this could be truly heartbreaking. But it is up to you to follow the guidance of your parents at your young age. It's important to have an open and trusting relationship with your parents, even if it means risking that they won't always choose the thing that you think is best.
If you do get permission to make the call, here are a few things to keep in mind.
First, think about what you want to say, and practice it. This may sound a little silly, but it will help you to feel more comfortable and sound more relaxed when you call. Try to have a reason for the call (for example, you could ask a question about a class you have in common). If it's just to talk, have something to talk about so there aren't long and awkward pauses.
Important Etiquette
Be sure to call at a reasonable hour, and of course this goes for everyone no matter their age. Try not call during dinner and not after 9:00pm, unless you know it's OK to call that late.
If her parents answer the phone, speak clearly and politely. You might say something like, “Hello, Mrs. Capulet, this is Romeo Montague, a classmate of Juliet's. May I speak with Juliet please?”
Now let's say you've gotten past security and are able to speak with her. Remember that listening in a conversation is just as important as speaking. Be sure to ask questions about the other person and don't just talk about yourself, and ask questions that give you the chance to get to know one another.
Ending the Conversation
Don't be too concerned about having a long conversation the first time you call, and know that the fact that you made the effort to connect will help show your interest. Close the call with a polite goodbye and if the conversation went well, ask if you two could speak again. Sadly, it is necessary to be prepared in the case that the request is denied. If that happens, it is absolutely crucial that you be polite and not call her again unless the young lady initiates the conversation. It's difficult to think that there might be someone else out there who is as interesting as this young lady, but her request must be honored.
Asking for a Date
So if you've made it through a few phone conversations and everything has gone well, you may be at the point of asking the young lady on a date, but you should check with your parents if this is OK. Perhaps it would be best to spend time in a mixed group setting. Doing things together in a group has its advantages, the biggest being that the pressure is off and you have friends around to help you feel more comfortable. Go bowling, see a movie, catch a football game, or go out for pizza or burgers. In general, the trick here is to invite the person in whom you're interested. This gesture will not go unnoticed by him or her. Become good friends, and by the time you're ready for dating, you'll already have your awkwardly-sized teenage foot in the door.
Remember that in every part of this process it is important to be polite and respectful to your own parents, to the recipient of your affections, and to her or his parents--even in rejection. It will also set the stage for building a great relationship with your future date.
So here's hoping that you're always lucky in romance, and thank you for listening to Modern Manners Guy's Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life.
Transcripts of this show can be found online at manners.quickanddirtytips.com.
Send your question and comments to manners@quickanddirtytips.com Or leave a voicemail at 206-666-4MrM. The Modern Manners Guy is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips Network, which has released its first book--Grammar Girl's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing. Order it now anywhere books are sold.
The MannersCast
Finally, thanks to Trent Armstrong from another great show, The Manners Cast, available at mannerscast.com.
