What to do When You’ve Been Stood Up

by Trent Armstrong

Well, it's time to hit the email bag again! Have you ever been stood up without actually being stood up? This situation comes from our friend Karen and her husband who were stood up in exactly that way. I'll get to her email and what the heck I'm talking about right after this from our generous sponsor.

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What to do When You’ve Been Stood Up

Karen writes:

Dear Modern Manners Guy,
My husband and I were invited out to happy hour by a friend we hadn't seen in months. When we arrived, we exchanged the customary hugs and kisses and then were introduced to the five other people standing there with her. Not more than five minutes passed and our friend decided to leave the bar area to grab a bite to eat with her other friends. She said, "You don't mind do you?"

She said she would be right out and asked if we would like to join them. We declined and were left standing alone at the bar. We went to another restaurant to eat, and two hours later she texted that she was done. I responded that we had already left, thank you very much. 
Did she check her manners at the door or what? 

A Victim of Bad Manners

Oh, Karen. You guys were victims of total selfishness. If your friend knew there were going to be others joining the festivities, her obligation was to let you know as soon as she knew. That way you and your husband would have time to decide whether you would still join her. At the very least, you could prepare yourselves for the extra company instead of being totally taken off guard by the offense.

How to Handle Being Stood Up

It is my opinion that your response to her misstep was a correct response. Your obligation is to your husband. When one partner forces the other into an awkward situation like your friend created, there is unnecessary tension. It is certainly more responsible to put your spouse first in that situation and choose to do what will make him feel more comfortable. Plus, giving in and going along with your friend's whim would have reinforced her poor behavior. 

Also, your reaction after the occasion is crucial. If you talk poorly about this person with your husband or spread your friend’s offense amongst your other friends, you are doing a disservice to yourself as much as to the offender. As I mentioned a few posts ago, how you think about a person when he or she is not around should be framed by good manners. 

How to Politely Responds to Future Invitations

I completely understand if you are not really interested in entertaining future invitations from this friend. However, any response should be honest and polite. Try to find a kind way to share your feelings with your friend and let her know you guys won't be able to join her for that kind of meeting in the future. Say something like, "We felt like you put us in an awkward situation last time. We expected some quality time to catch up with you only to be unexpectedly joined by a group of people we didn't even know. We would love to have you over for dinner some time, but we won't be able to join you for drinks in the future." It's a sort of tough love, but it's still within the realm of manners to offer this solution.

If you are the offender, you should take this kind of response almost as a free pass and use it as a foundation for rebuilding your friendship. A negative response will simply be an extension of your selfishness and further complicate the friendship. Here is your opportunity at a second chance to use your manners as a way to let your friends know how important they actually are to you.

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