Hello, and welcome to the Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life.
Today we confront a difficult topic, but one that many listeners have written in to request: what to do when someone dies.
You may note that I did not use a euphemism like “passes away” or “goes on to a better place.” While you do want to be sensitive to those who are in mourning, one of the important things (in this case, and for good manners in general) is to be as kindly direct as possible. Sometimes, in our effort to be sensitive to those in grief, we may alienate them by being too careful, walking on eggshells, and thereby making them feel more distant when our original intent was just to try and comfort them. So the first piece of advice is that you should try to be as real and sincere as possible with friends or family who have suffered the loss of a loved one. This means that you can still smile and laugh with them, invite them to dinner, go to a movie, let them be sad if they need to, but still treat them as the person you know. It is important not to alienate a person in grief because you feel uncomfortable.
For writing a condolence letter, your plain stationery is best, even though you can buy a card specifically made for this purpose. You should offer your condolences and share something personal if it is fitting, but of course be sincere.
You may say something like. “I was so saddened to hear about the death of your grandmother. I remember spending time with you at her home; how she loved playing scrabble with us on rainy days, and took particular pride when we ate ourselves silly on her wonderful cookies. She was a truly warm and genuine person, and I offer you my deepest condolences for your loss.”
You may also consider a tribute in memory of someone who has died. This is a very nice way to honor and remember someone. Most charities will make it easy to make a memorial contribution, and will send a note informing the family of the donation. You might consider making a donation that would have been meaningful to the person who died. For a list of highly rated charitable organizations, you can visit www.charitynavigator.org, www.charitywatch.org, or www.give.org. Sometimes the family will specify a charity in lieu of flowers.
Speaking of flowers, while it is a nice gesture for many to send flowers as a condolence offering, it is generally not appropriate for Jewish families, where flowers are seen as something for happy occasions. It is a very nice gesture, however, to have a tree planted in someone’s name, and this is very acceptable. For Catholic funerals, sometimes only a limited number of flower arrangements are accepted, so you should contact the chapel if you want to send flowers for the service.
If you are going to a funeral, arrive on time and make sure that your mobile phone or pager is turned off. Dress is traditionally black or charcoal, but other dark and muted colors may be acceptable. The degree of formality will depend on where you are, but err on the side of formality if you are unsure.
After the funeral, friends and family members are sometimes invited over to the house of the deceased or a close relative, but if you are unsure if you are invited, ask someone in the family. You may stop by later in the week for a condolence call on the family, but call first to find out if it is a good time to visit.
Most of all, try to remember the spouse or immediate family members on holidays, important occasions and better yet make sure to keep ties with them. Invite them to dinner, see how they are doing, give them a call. Knowing that you are reaching out to them will help them through a difficult time.
So hoping it’s a long, long time before you have to deal with such unhappy situations, and thank you for listening to quick and dirty tips for a more polite life.
Send your question and comments to manners@quickanddirtytips.com Or leave a voicemail at 206-666-4MrM. The Modern Manners Guy is part of the quick and dirty tips network. Check out the other great shows at QuickAndDirtyTips.com.
